Conversation Averted

We've all seen the images of the group of pre-teens sitting around in a group, everyone on their cell phone. I think we are beginning to see neck and wrist injury from the amount of use we put on our devices. What we don't see as much of anymore is people talking on the phone (unrelated to work). There is, at least, a huge generational divide between people that prefer to communicate verbally on the phone or those who prefer text and email.

Do you have a friend, or are you the friend, that always responds back to a voicemail via text? Have you ever seen your phone light up yet you decline to answer and let it ring straight through to VM? I have. 

What drives this decision? Communicating in real time means that I can not control the conversation. The birth of e-mail and text meant I now would have control and my own terms. I get to say exactly what I want to say, when I want to say it. Digital communication takes no more time than you want it to and you can decide even more so than a phonecall, whether the conversation will take place at all. 

It's an interesting thing, to be from the bridge generation. Once, I did not have the choice of communicating electronically. Now I have that option in every converstation I choose to initiate. It has become harder than ever for me to pick up the phone and have a conversation with people that I have predominantly created a relationship with via text and facebook message. 

There is a large amount of uncertainty in a face to face conversation or a phone call.  We do not have the ability to perfect our communication (so we think) or fix every word that we communicate before hitting send, we can't mull over or think of a correct response we must respond immediately. Speaking in person or on the phone does not allow us to define my persona as I want it to be, I have to be comfortable with whatever I am saying and how I am presenting myself in real time without the opportunity to perfect an image. 

We know now that the phonecall and face-to-face conversations are dying institutions. According to a Pew Institute survey performed in 2011, the number of text messages sent monthly in the U.S. had gone from 14 billion in 2000, to 188 billion in 2010. Americans between the ages of 18-29 send and receive an average of 88 text messages per day, compared to 17 phone calls.

A TIME mobility poll discovered that 32% of all respondents said they'd rather communicate by text than phone EVEN with people they knew very well. We aren't chit-chatting anymore. We just want to get down to business, all the time. The problem is that when the small talk is lost. Developmental psychologists have been studying the impact of texting on our youth when interpersonal skills have not fully developed. Missing out on the development of social skills and jumping right into promiscuous use of technology, we lack the ability to truly connect to others. Through having a true conversation with others, either face-to-face or over the telephone, we are able to learn how to have a conversation with ourselves. We gain the ability to reflect on what was said, think about and reason with eachother, and can then do that with ourselves. 

Think about all that gets lost in translation, there is absolutely no context when speaking electronically. Saying I'm sorry is as simple as hitting send. A simple joke can turn into a misinterpreted dig. We don't see people in their vulnerable place, having to tell someone how you feel. Face-to-face allows you to sit with them and share the experience of being uncomfortable and vulnerable- something that is all to relatable. When we communicate over the phone, same thing, the voice conveys the emotion in a very similar manner. Digital makes communication easy, but easy is not what we need. Particularly when learning social skills. We need to feel human emotion and allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable. These are the things that allow us to have strong relationships with ourselves and with others. When we miss out on feeling these emotions and sensations we miss a very vital part in social cue development.

I am not certain, but I would bet that most young people have an aversion to the face-to-face or phonecall conversations, and while adults are not so fearing, we can also become avoidany because it's just easier. We like to choose easy, being uncomfortable is in fact uncomfortable. Admitting we are wrong, asking for forgiveness or confessing a truth is never easy. The fact is that if we never allow ourselves to show this discomfort to others then the context of the message is never recieved and the issue is never truly resolved, it has merely been pushed aside and glossed over. 

Living life through facebook, twitter, text and any other channel of media appears so connected. Truth be told, you are the furthest thing from it.  When we are not sharing together in human emotion we are lonely. We are missing the  very thing that is most vital in creating relationships moving through emotion and learning it to handle conversations with ourselves, so that we are better able to hold them with others. 

Through text and Facebook you are hiding in plain sight, living a life in secret while everyone watches doing the same. 

A few interesting things to check out:

Texting ruins relationships:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-d-anderson/teen-texting-the-ruin-of-romance_b_3763576.html

Facebook can't replace face to face conversation: 

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/opinion/forum/story/2012-04-29/facebook-face-to-face/54629816/1

Take a hike! Get out of here, go!

                                  The journey from our head to our heart is the longest road.

Does this look familiar?

The journey is even tougher if you live in the western hemisphere, where the ego prevails, insisting that not even "good" is enough. There was a time once, when we were very young, where most of us don't recall being unhappy, because we did have enough- and it probably didn't include internent access or a smartphone.

Simple human connection, a warm place to rest, food to eat and warmth were all you needed to survive. Our thoughts not fully developed yet, were very simple- can we trust? are we hungry? what do we phsyically feel? Yet we see that young children find a lot of joy as they begin to explore the world. Together these things carried us through our early years until that moment.

The moment when we realize our friends are having fun with their toys too, maybe even more because it looks like a pretty damn cool toy that we saw on that commercial.  Now, we need to have that toy too, plus the other 3 things you saw at the toy store. You have been told that you do not have enough by people that want to make a lot of money off of you. Not only does this go for the toy industry, but we all know that the female beauty industry would not even exist if this were not the case. Think about all the things that you do throughout the day in order to make your life better, is it working for you?

When you think about basic human needs, a lot of the discontent people (including myself) are not lacking in things that we need at least some money to buy- food, clothing, shelter. So why are we so depressed and jealous? The underlying factors here are driven by the unconscious desire to survive and thrive.  What our ego holds often looks like greed and materialism but what what's really going on there is the belief that we are not good enough. Only once we have achieved a certain level of status, accumulated wealth or materials, will we be worthy. Of what? I am not exactly sure, but these industries must know- because they have us chasing after it. 

Subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity, freedom- Max-Neef's definition of the fundamental human needs. In order to achieve balance and joy, a person must be experiencing all of these things. When we do not, we start to take the edge off by filling the void with something else. Companies know this and they hire psychologists to study the human mind finding our weaknesses and using that to advertise their products and services.  When we start edging, be it shopping (this is my go to), eating, drinking, over-exercising any sort of behavior that will create a temporary distraction you create a sense of joy that lasts momentarily, enough to give you the rush of wanting to do it again: addiction maybe bordering obsession.


We can do it! But it's a practice!  In many places around the world, where culture is not tainted by main stream media and basic human needs are met, (even if it is a tin sheet for a roof, one pair of shoes/shorts/tee and food to eat) are elated with joy every single day.  They are connected to the people around them in a deep, secure, affectionate, understanding, fun, wanted, needed way. Everyone has a unique role for which they are respected, even if the sphere is as small as a rural family. These people are out working with their hands amongst eachother  for survival and that is enough for them to consciously and subconsciously feel they are living a life of purpose. 

Have you ever participated in a multi-day isolated  group adventure? One where only bare essentials for survival were provided? If so, maybe you too, have experienced a glimmer of that feeling.

When this happens we are able to leave daily trivial worries behind and almost immediately share stories and pee in front of eachother as if we have always been a group. Out there, everyone is disconnected from the grid.  Despite the lack of internet and cable the groups are able to create some of the quickest/strongest connections ever made. How long the connection lasts doesn't really matter. You may walk away and never speak to those people again, leaving a fond memory like a disposable camera but something much more important has happened here: in this group you have established a role and identity for yourself, people know you- the singer, harmonica player, comedian, optimist, pessimist, cook, whatever AND it brings you great joy to share this with them for no reward.  In this group you have created a circle of trust, you will not be left behind and you would help a group member if help were needed. In this group you have discovered that human beings are hardwired for connection, weather realizing it or not a group dynamic quickly forms and rarely is there a clique. 

I would never expect that everyone would want to go on a group trek and find some purpose, but it helps to demonstrate how we can truly share our personas when we are in a safe space, feel needed and feel that you are vital part of the group. The trek is a fully encompassing example for me, because I have had that experience.  Maybe you have felt it by other means? 

There are small steps that we can take to allow ourselves to feel deeper connection and let go of the mind so you can live from your heart.  But you need to discover what works for you. Your ego is always going to tell you to do more, be better, win, gain, go! Your heart is witness to the fact, you are indeed already enough. You are a unique, imperfectly perfect, human of purpose and divinity no matter what material possessions indicate. How can you start to create space for yourself to believe that as true? How can you find others to support you who know that this is true for you? 

I wish I could take a trek once a month or more, making it a huge part of my life because I love it so much. Hiking is great ya, but I love how well I get to know these people in such a short amount of time. Because that is not practical, on a daily basis it is my yoga teaching practice- being honest, open and there for my friends- fellow teachers - yogis.