Conversation Averted

We've all seen the images of the group of pre-teens sitting around in a group, everyone on their cell phone. I think we are beginning to see neck and wrist injury from the amount of use we put on our devices. What we don't see as much of anymore is people talking on the phone (unrelated to work). There is, at least, a huge generational divide between people that prefer to communicate verbally on the phone or those who prefer text and email.

Do you have a friend, or are you the friend, that always responds back to a voicemail via text? Have you ever seen your phone light up yet you decline to answer and let it ring straight through to VM? I have. 

What drives this decision? Communicating in real time means that I can not control the conversation. The birth of e-mail and text meant I now would have control and my own terms. I get to say exactly what I want to say, when I want to say it. Digital communication takes no more time than you want it to and you can decide even more so than a phonecall, whether the conversation will take place at all. 

It's an interesting thing, to be from the bridge generation. Once, I did not have the choice of communicating electronically. Now I have that option in every converstation I choose to initiate. It has become harder than ever for me to pick up the phone and have a conversation with people that I have predominantly created a relationship with via text and facebook message. 

There is a large amount of uncertainty in a face to face conversation or a phone call.  We do not have the ability to perfect our communication (so we think) or fix every word that we communicate before hitting send, we can't mull over or think of a correct response we must respond immediately. Speaking in person or on the phone does not allow us to define my persona as I want it to be, I have to be comfortable with whatever I am saying and how I am presenting myself in real time without the opportunity to perfect an image. 

We know now that the phonecall and face-to-face conversations are dying institutions. According to a Pew Institute survey performed in 2011, the number of text messages sent monthly in the U.S. had gone from 14 billion in 2000, to 188 billion in 2010. Americans between the ages of 18-29 send and receive an average of 88 text messages per day, compared to 17 phone calls.

A TIME mobility poll discovered that 32% of all respondents said they'd rather communicate by text than phone EVEN with people they knew very well. We aren't chit-chatting anymore. We just want to get down to business, all the time. The problem is that when the small talk is lost. Developmental psychologists have been studying the impact of texting on our youth when interpersonal skills have not fully developed. Missing out on the development of social skills and jumping right into promiscuous use of technology, we lack the ability to truly connect to others. Through having a true conversation with others, either face-to-face or over the telephone, we are able to learn how to have a conversation with ourselves. We gain the ability to reflect on what was said, think about and reason with eachother, and can then do that with ourselves. 

Think about all that gets lost in translation, there is absolutely no context when speaking electronically. Saying I'm sorry is as simple as hitting send. A simple joke can turn into a misinterpreted dig. We don't see people in their vulnerable place, having to tell someone how you feel. Face-to-face allows you to sit with them and share the experience of being uncomfortable and vulnerable- something that is all to relatable. When we communicate over the phone, same thing, the voice conveys the emotion in a very similar manner. Digital makes communication easy, but easy is not what we need. Particularly when learning social skills. We need to feel human emotion and allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable. These are the things that allow us to have strong relationships with ourselves and with others. When we miss out on feeling these emotions and sensations we miss a very vital part in social cue development.

I am not certain, but I would bet that most young people have an aversion to the face-to-face or phonecall conversations, and while adults are not so fearing, we can also become avoidany because it's just easier. We like to choose easy, being uncomfortable is in fact uncomfortable. Admitting we are wrong, asking for forgiveness or confessing a truth is never easy. The fact is that if we never allow ourselves to show this discomfort to others then the context of the message is never recieved and the issue is never truly resolved, it has merely been pushed aside and glossed over. 

Living life through facebook, twitter, text and any other channel of media appears so connected. Truth be told, you are the furthest thing from it.  When we are not sharing together in human emotion we are lonely. We are missing the  very thing that is most vital in creating relationships moving through emotion and learning it to handle conversations with ourselves, so that we are better able to hold them with others. 

Through text and Facebook you are hiding in plain sight, living a life in secret while everyone watches doing the same. 

A few interesting things to check out:

Texting ruins relationships:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-d-anderson/teen-texting-the-ruin-of-romance_b_3763576.html

Facebook can't replace face to face conversation: 

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/opinion/forum/story/2012-04-29/facebook-face-to-face/54629816/1