When you want to WIN. But you're trying to be mindful.

Our society teaches us from a young age that winning is the goal and it is to be celebrated. What we are not told, is that sometimes when you are the winner, you are suffering just as much, if not more, as the non-winners are.

If every day you need to fight to be on top, that means you can never come down because you risk losing your position.  This is an incredibly unhealthy place to live if it is done with the wrong mindset (afraid of losing? check out this article).

This mentality leads to destruction. It will destroy your body, your mind and your spirit. You must recognize the destruction to be painful or damaging enough that you choose to stop the way you are living. Typically this might happen when we have enough anxiety or physical distress to call out and say we have had it with this way of being. The same stresses are felt if you aren't at the top and you are chasing it.

I was an athlete growing up and there was nothing more satisfying to me, than trying to push harder than the people around me. As most of you know, my fiance is the owner of a CrossFit gym. I love to workout hard. This is also a great place to address competitive nature.

I have caught myself believing that if I worked out hard enough, I would make myself the most desireable in every sense of the word. I think you would be fibbing if you said that a thought like this hasn't crossed your mind or subconcious. Most of the time we operate this way and aren't aware of it. Primal instincts encourage survival of the fittest and making yourself as reproductively enticing as possible.

This doesn't just happen in the gym or on the field. We see it in the battle to make money and the ability to consume material goods.  It happens on an even larger level than the individual, in global politics and nuclear weapons. This is how we are educated, coached and what is dictated by society that we should be striving for, excellence in everything.

What does this really mean and teach us? It means that the primal me wants to say: "I AM BETTER THAN YOU!" And worse, it condones this as a healthy state of mind for us to exist in.

Everyone likes to win from time to time, and everyone likes a winner, but an overly competitive nature will cause tension in your ability to hold strong relationships. "Love and competition are oil and water, they do not mix." Dr. Phil McGraw.

Our core desires are not attainable through aesthetic gains, monetary gains or power positions.  In this competition driven world there is no winner. Everyone will lose, so will the animals the plants even the minerals if we continue in this destructive desire to own everything and be all-powerful. We need to give this game up. What we really should be saying is "I am you."  It is very clear that we need to wake up and change or we are going to be our own demise.

Perhaps you have already decided that you need to slow down, you probably feel exhausted, anxious and unfulfilled. You are now committed to make a change about it. The path of mindfulness is difficult, there is no doubt about it but, now can you actually begin to implement some of the tactics to practice mindfulness and letting go of your competitive nature.

1.  Realize when you are competing with those closest to you.

We do this instinctively. And it hurts to acknowledge these thoughts.

I have done it with my partner, my sister and my friends.

In the past I would compare how I was financially performing to my partner.  Although I told myself I was happy for him, I used it to judge how I was performing, at times even feeling jealousy, resentment and self-doubt. F**d up! But human nature.

Another example: My sister is a beautiful person she is very tall, thin and pretty, without trying. Any guy friend I have had, has found her extremely attractive. I would find this initially obnoxious, how could you like her and not like me? Even if I was never interested in that guy, it was about winning.

It faded just as quickly as it popped up because I love my sister dearly (I am obsessively concerned for her well being...also not healthy, but that's for another time). Regardless, there is no denying of that inital primal gut reaction. How screwed up is that!? She is my little sister, whom I love more than anything. That was just making me spiritually ugly! F**d up but again, totally human.

It goes to show that even with the people we love most in our lives, our competitive nature can even here- in "safe space" expose its ugly face.  I have largely been able to let that go, and I express my vulnerability and fears when they arise with the people that I trust most around me.

2. Get clear on what you want and why. 

Listen to your body, when you go to your job are you loathing or loving it? Do more of what you love and less of what you do not. Stop looking at the risks. For a moment consider, when you have an idea that jazzes you up, obstacles are the last thing you will consider. It is absolutely clear that it would work (financial risk is usually the reason people stop there).  There are certainly obstacles that will cross this path, but you are so involved in the idea that you see far far past them.

Now consider ideas that are, meh... financially rewarding or "a step in the right direction" but don't get you amped. You probably feel overwhelmed by the steps you would have to take to get there. This is a sign! Don't do it!

If you are not sure of who you are, you must take yourself out of the arena and spend time exploring what makes you feel satisfied, fulfilled and well. Find somethings that bring you joy without having to win at them. You are wasting your time judging others and basing yourself of those judgements. You need to learn for yourself, that you are enough and there is nothing to prove.

When you find what you love, play more in that space, even if you aren't sure yet of how you can survive on it. Trust, without a doubt that it is right. Your body is already sending you the confirmation. Take smalls steps in that direction and go where it leads you. Have unyielding faith that life is generally good, and that you are deserving.

3. Make a decision on if your competitive nature is serving you. 

Competition can be healthy when it is about doing your personal best. Competition can help you to acheive personal goals. Competition done wrong can be your demise.

As free-thinking adults we have the ability to make informed decisions. We decide how much pressure we put on ourselves to outperform and how much we will allow comparison to affect us. Be able to draw a line between what role competition is playing in helping you to move forward on your own path and what role competition is playing in getting you sidetracked, this can only be done once you know who you are and what you want.

Remember what conclusion you draw about your own competitve nature, and remember it often. Every time that you step into a situation that compels you to compete, decide if it serves your greater purpose.

4. Stop competing with the stranger on the treadmill next to you! 

It was much easier to drop competition with my sister and my partner than it has been to drop it from people I don't know so well. This is because my subconcious doesn't perceive those closest to me as a threat to my well-being. In my mind, they would share their successes with me.

The concept of interbeing has been extremely helpful for me in this. It simply means that: I am you and you are me. I am in you and you are in me. Although it often requires a gentle reminder, it has been enough to stop most of my competitive nature and to allow me to trust more. I will use the treadmill example. It allows me to do three things:

• Reconsider the situation: Why am I here and what is my goal? I didn't go to the gym to beat people that I didn't even know would be there in a race on the damn treadmill. I went because it feels good to exercise and I practice good health. Even if the girl next to me is just begging for me to up my incline and pace, it isn't serving my purpose so I'm going to save that energy and use it to for something else that I did intend to do. 
• Feel empathy: When I see others around me struggling to be the best on the treadmill, I can immediately feel where they are coming from. I recognize that the need to win is an endless search for external validation. This is a painful place to live, I replace competition drive with compassion. Treat them kindly, breathe and confirm that they are NOT a threat to my existence, no need to get all junked out on adrenaline here.
• Keep on track: Once I got clear on what I intended to do with this short life and started living that way, everything felt right in my mind and my body. Self-doubt was diminished. I wanted to feel more of that and have less questioning of my abilities. I know from past experiences that if I have to win in every situation in my life, that I am never moving forward.  When I know I shouldn't stop and get sidetrack by the calling to outperform in an area that is pulling me off my track, I don't!  It's awareness. 

5. When you are happy with who you are, you don't feel the need to win in every situation. If you are being authentic and are clear on what you really want, you will be satisfied with the decisions you make serving this truth.  

People often feel that happiness will be earned through performance, but we all know that simply is not true. Do not wait to earn the acceptance of anyone, including: your parents, your boss, your friends, your lovers or yourself, just have it. Let it come to you.

You don't need to compare yourself to someone else to be able to look in the mirror and feel proud of who you are. No one is going to judge you based off of how you measure up against your competitors, but they certainly will of your actions, so choose them honestly and wisely. Make sure what you do is done with intent.