In my previous post I spoke about skirting around the person we want to be. I challenged myself and readers to step into that person and realize that it is who you already are.
I can't tell you how many times I hear people say they are working on something. I am sure that you have too. You might not only have heard it, may you have said it yourself (I have said it!). Countless times I claimed I was working on being a better listener, a better lover, a better friend... but they were empty unquantifiable promises. How can the people that we love trust that we are being our best and giving the best of ourselves to them when all we say is that we will work on it? I am not here to shame or call anyone disingenuous, but I have trouble believing myself and others with these statements.
What I have come to understand about saying that I was going to work on something was that I didn't want to work on it at that moment. I was making an assumption that some day I would, or someday it would magically happen and become easier. It meant I genuinely thought that this was the ideal way of being, but that I wanted to do this in the future, not RIGHT NOW because it wasn't convenient and I didn't know how. Saying that I was working on it was the lazy band-aid solution that would put my mind, as well as anyone else that I had let down- at ease... at least until the next time that it happened.
Wanting to work on something and actually doing it are very different realities. Identifying desire to work on something implies that you are not already suited for it. It suggests that there is work that has to be done before you can name yourself a great title.
I remember from my time working at a progressive company, one of the things that we learned in our communication series was to stop diminishing our power. We learned just how much power we were taking away from ourselves every time that we said we were "working" on something. By saying we weren't already capabale of being great at all of these things meant that we didn't actually know who we were capable of being.
Since that day in 2009, nearly every single time that I have had a difficult time communicating with someone or felt that I had let someone down, I rememebered that it was a choice. Who am I going to choose to be in that moment? This requires great patience, understanding and compassion with yourself. Self-awareness and ability to recognize and admit your shortcomings is vital to the process.
I now find myself sharing this lesson with people that trust me, echoing the great words of my teachers: you already are a great _____.
1. How to discover that you are already that better _________!
The fact that you are able to identify what it would mean to be a better ______ means that you are capable of choosing it. You already have all the pieces to the puzzle, now you just have to put it together. It feels weird and vulnerable because it requires you to bring your head and your heart together to create the communication and relationship that you know is possible.
Example: You are having an argument with your partner. You flex your self-awareness muscle and recognize the behavioral patterns that you are displaying: defensiveness, wanting to be right, shaming the other until they surrender into your power. Stop right here! Take a deep breath and decide what outcome you would like to see from the relationship, NOT THE INTERACTION.
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| A reminder in Outer Sunset San Francisco that every moment you can begin again. |
What I have come to understand about saying that I was going to work on something was that I didn't want to work on it at that moment. I was making an assumption that some day I would, or someday it would magically happen and become easier. It meant I genuinely thought that this was the ideal way of being, but that I wanted to do this in the future, not RIGHT NOW because it wasn't convenient and I didn't know how. Saying that I was working on it was the lazy band-aid solution that would put my mind, as well as anyone else that I had let down- at ease... at least until the next time that it happened.
Wanting to work on something and actually doing it are very different realities. Identifying desire to work on something implies that you are not already suited for it. It suggests that there is work that has to be done before you can name yourself a great title.
I remember from my time working at a progressive company, one of the things that we learned in our communication series was to stop diminishing our power. We learned just how much power we were taking away from ourselves every time that we said we were "working" on something. By saying we weren't already capabale of being great at all of these things meant that we didn't actually know who we were capable of being.
Since that day in 2009, nearly every single time that I have had a difficult time communicating with someone or felt that I had let someone down, I rememebered that it was a choice. Who am I going to choose to be in that moment? This requires great patience, understanding and compassion with yourself. Self-awareness and ability to recognize and admit your shortcomings is vital to the process.
I now find myself sharing this lesson with people that trust me, echoing the great words of my teachers: you already are a great _____.
1. How to discover that you are already that better _________!
The fact that you are able to identify what it would mean to be a better ______ means that you are capable of choosing it. You already have all the pieces to the puzzle, now you just have to put it together. It feels weird and vulnerable because it requires you to bring your head and your heart together to create the communication and relationship that you know is possible.
Example: You are having an argument with your partner. You flex your self-awareness muscle and recognize the behavioral patterns that you are displaying: defensiveness, wanting to be right, shaming the other until they surrender into your power. Stop right here! Take a deep breath and decide what outcome you would like to see from the relationship, NOT THE INTERACTION.
This is a crucial part to being the best _______. In the moment you may choose wrong, but you have the ability to stop, apologize for not choosing the better option in the moment and recommit. Here is how the dialogue might sound in the middle of the confrontation: Honey, I'm sorry. I realize that I have been fighting you out of wanting to be right. I am committed to making this relationship work for both of us and I want to treat you with the love that both you and I deserve. I still believe that I am right, but I am willing to put that aside for the sake of you and our relationship. I love you.
Hopefully that sounds pretty clear. If it doesn't that's okay, create your own dialogue but remember what you want at the end of the day for everyone.
2. Make the choice in the moment!
Not everything you are "working" on is evident to the people around you. We all have internal dialogue and notice behaviors that we like or dislike. When we have the awareness to see that we are not being fully present with others or that we have a continual habit that we see holding us back, it is your personal responsibility to catch it.
3. Ask someone to hold you accountable.
Accountability is huge, it is often the difference. See people spending lots of money on life coaches and therapists? It's for good reason! Most of us need that push and accountability to access our full potential.
Imagine what it would be like if we could hold ourselves accountable just as we hold others accountable. What is it that allows us to treat ourselves with no integrity and lack of commitment sometimes? Certain people are better at holding themselves accountable than others. These people often feel that mediocrity is worse than failure, I know because I am engaged to one of them! The accountability, standards of excellence and desire to thrive are remarkable, I believe these are behavioral traits of Olympic athletes and very successful business people. When you are in something you can't see the whole picture, this is when advice and observations from outsiders can truly elevate our awareness and strategy.
I am nowhere near that point in my life and I might not ever be, so instead I make observations of myself and ask loved ones and dear friends to call me out on bullshit when I am not doing what I said I was going to do! Even better, when I say I am going to work on it, they say "No- be it right now". Like that! It is an instant switch, from not listening to a great listener... simply by doing it!
4. Forgive yourself often.
This is where "working on it" gets mixed up. If you focus on your ability to be, you will succeed most of the time, but this doesn't mean it is without err. If you didn't mess up from time to time you wouldn't be human. When you do make a mistake and you weren't listening or you were being self-serving, notice it choose to change and let go of it. You are still awesome it was just a momentary flub. It doesn't mean you are working on it, it means you messed up but you are great as ever. This mental switch was a huge gain for me, my self-confidence in being a better person sky rocketed and as a result my relationships were elevated.
What do you think?
What are you going to give up working on?
Hopefully that sounds pretty clear. If it doesn't that's okay, create your own dialogue but remember what you want at the end of the day for everyone.
2. Make the choice in the moment!
Not everything you are "working" on is evident to the people around you. We all have internal dialogue and notice behaviors that we like or dislike. When we have the awareness to see that we are not being fully present with others or that we have a continual habit that we see holding us back, it is your personal responsibility to catch it.
3. Ask someone to hold you accountable.
Accountability is huge, it is often the difference. See people spending lots of money on life coaches and therapists? It's for good reason! Most of us need that push and accountability to access our full potential.
Imagine what it would be like if we could hold ourselves accountable just as we hold others accountable. What is it that allows us to treat ourselves with no integrity and lack of commitment sometimes? Certain people are better at holding themselves accountable than others. These people often feel that mediocrity is worse than failure, I know because I am engaged to one of them! The accountability, standards of excellence and desire to thrive are remarkable, I believe these are behavioral traits of Olympic athletes and very successful business people. When you are in something you can't see the whole picture, this is when advice and observations from outsiders can truly elevate our awareness and strategy.
I am nowhere near that point in my life and I might not ever be, so instead I make observations of myself and ask loved ones and dear friends to call me out on bullshit when I am not doing what I said I was going to do! Even better, when I say I am going to work on it, they say "No- be it right now". Like that! It is an instant switch, from not listening to a great listener... simply by doing it!
4. Forgive yourself often.
This is where "working on it" gets mixed up. If you focus on your ability to be, you will succeed most of the time, but this doesn't mean it is without err. If you didn't mess up from time to time you wouldn't be human. When you do make a mistake and you weren't listening or you were being self-serving, notice it choose to change and let go of it. You are still awesome it was just a momentary flub. It doesn't mean you are working on it, it means you messed up but you are great as ever. This mental switch was a huge gain for me, my self-confidence in being a better person sky rocketed and as a result my relationships were elevated.
What are you going to give up working on?
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